(aka 'Bob Roll'....not sure where I got 'Rolle' from but there it is, another mistake for time immemorial, whatever that means...)

[Please see Editor's notes at bottom of post].

I've been watching the Tour de France for the past 10 years or so and I must say the coverage has gotten better every year. This time, we are talking the best TV in history. It is that darn-tootin' good. Bob 'Rolle' Roll is a big part of it.

[If you're not watching the next week of the Tour de France you are missing one of the great episodes in sports history. The Lance Armstrong story is legendary stuff; I mean, we're talking Jim Thorpe, Muhammad Ali, Bobby Jones. If you have kids, make them watch this.]

If you're a cycling purist you are already watching the live morning coverage. If you are a dabbler, I highly recommend you watch the prime time 'expanded coverage' with Bob. It is television at its finest.

Bob 'Roll' Rolle's thing is he knows cycling really well, and he is NOT politically correct. He consistently mispronounces the name of the race in a way that sort of pokes a stick in the eye of French-language purists.

The proper way to pronounce Tour de France is 'tour duh fronz' (rhymes with 'you're a fonz').

Bob Roll pronounces it 'tour day frants' (rhymes with 'your gay pants').

Last night, the evening of July 14, 2005, Bob was confronted regarding his odd pronunciation of the name of the race. Bob's explanation was essentially to tell a story about the rude-zilla treatment he had experienced over the years from French service workers: 'We finished a long day yesterday by retiring to a lovely cafe, and took a streetside table in this beautiful bucolic setting, and waited an hour and a half for the waiter to acknowledge us..."

Then he went off on a hysterical riff. The bottom line was, as long as these language-pronunciation Nazis treat us like crap, I'm going to say it like I say it.

I can't do Bob's narrative justice so that's all I'm going to relate. It was a wonderful monologue. I was laughing too hard to think to record it and have not been able to find a transcript online yet. Let's just say, Bob Rolle has got the French figured out, and he knows how to needle them hundreds of times a day during the Tour coverage.

UPDATE: I'm starting to find some links to reconstruct Bob's bit on pronunciation. Here is part of it:

Mini-revenge for his years on the Tour when French waiters wouldn't serve water unless the American riders pronounced 'l'eau' in perfect French.

Here is some more:

when he first rode the Tour with 7-11, he noticed how snotty the Europeans in general, and the cheese-eaters in particular, were toward the American team (the only member of the team to get good press was their beautiful blond team masseuse, whose name escapes me). Everything bad was blamed on the Americans.

Crash in the rear, when 7-11 was up front? Americain!

Dropped your water bottle? Americain!

Your great aunt has gout? Americain!

You get the idea, non?

Bob said if you didn't pronounce everything just right, the Surrender Monkeys would pretend they didn't understand you. No water for you!

Mispronouncing the name of the race in interviews became their way of getting back at the the unbathed grape-stomping masses.

F--- yeah.

Do yourself a favor: Watch Outdoor Life Network, especially at prime time (DirecTV #608) for the rest of the Tour. We only have so much time on this world.

[Editor's note on profanity usage in this post: As Alpaca Burger Forum readers know, we tend to tone down our expletives so as not to offend. We do so based on the following rules. If the expletive in question is meant to be a 'bad' word expressed in a spirit of condemnation, we will soften it. For example, we hate the limp d-cked, girl-abusing, f-cking Islamic -sshole mutants gosh darn rascals who want to do unpleasant things. On the other hand when the terms are expressed in a spirit of joy, we do not hesitate to use the adjectives to full effect. 'Profanity' in the cause of celebration is not obscene. For example: 'The Nats win the pennant - frigging-A, frigging-A, frigging-A!!!' These are sentiments you could share with your grandson.]

[Additional editor's additional note: Ok, I changed this post to tone down the obscenity level. I rarely go back and change posts here, regardless of how bad they are or how 'influenced' the author may appear to have been, simply because I believe a man's mistakes should remain in full public view until the end of time. I'm just that kind of guy. But in this case we received an e-mail from someone whose opinion I respect, suggesting really bad words posted so prominently could offend people needlessly. Dr. 'Puritan' Turner got wind of it and decided to get all Amish on my a-- and clean it up for me if I did not clean it up myself. So this is not the original way it was written.]

[Editor's further additional note: For the record - the cloistered, out-of-touch record, that is - that phrase 'f--- yeah!' is from the film Team America and actually signifies a very patriotic, anti-idiotarian sentiment. As everybody who gets out of the house more than twice a month knows. It was not thrown in here 'gratuitously.' But I've toned it down anyway. Whoops, got to run: The Waltons is coming on.]