As evidenced in the comments to the previous post, it is difficult to find common ground between the most extreme elements of the U.S. right wing (i.e., me) and many of our fellow global citizens. But I think I have a solution.

I invited an audience of typical Europeans, representative of the citizenry across the pond, for a brief presentation on my proposal. Following is a transcript of the seminar.

ME: Welcome to our European guests, and members of the international media.

AUDIENCE: (grumbling, scattered coughs and squeaking of chairs)

ME: Despite our many differences on the "issues of the day," I feel heartened by the fact that we all are, in essence, joined by the common bond of humanity.

AUDIENCE: (grumbling)

ME: Therefore, I intend to show each of you that there is a middle ground between us on at least one very important topic. As most of you know, the Alpaca Burger Forum has recently opined that orthodox Islam is incompatible with western civilization...

AUDIENCE: (loud grumbling, scribbling of pencils)

ME: I know, I know, this is a "sticky wicket," as some of you might say...

AUDIENCE: (silence, a single "Harrumph!")

ME: We have suggested that Islam may not belong in America - whereas most of you have welcomed it into your own countries and in fact subsidize its growth with your own tax dollars. So the rumination here that Muslims might be encouraged to "self-deport" from American soil was met with doubtful, even angry responses from our friends in Europe...

AUDIENCE: BOO! BOO! (one voice: "You're a racist!")

ME: But I have given some serious thought to your concerns. I never suggested that Islam should be removed from the U.S. by force - although I suppose one could read that into some of the Alpaca Burger Forum posts - and I can tell you now, while I still believe Islam might best exist within a very different cultural rubric, I do not envision Muslim people being chased from this land by angry mobs wielding guns and scimitars.

AUDIENCE: BOO! (loud grumbling)

ME: Let me direct your attention to the screen. As we know, dogs are not highly esteemed in Islamic societies. Some might say, dogs are despised. Within our culture, broadly speaking, however, we love dogs. You see this puppy? We call it a "lap-top dog" because it is smaller than an i-Book.

AUDIENCE: Awwww! (scattered chuckling)

ME: She was pregnant in this photo, by the way - maybe that's why she seems pensive. Anyway, pet ownership is on the rise in America - in a big way. And this trend seems, if anything, to be increasing dramatically. So what about this: What if, throughout American culture, in every socioeconomic strata, we were to have a massive, ongoing PR campaign saluting and promoting the canine species as an integral element in our cultural lives.

AUDIENCE: (silence)

ME: I'm thinking: "Take a doggie to work" day - once every month! "Dog-friendly" public buildings as ubiquitous as fire hydrants. Obedience classes conducted alongside Sunday school hours (you see where I'm going with this?). And innumerable little fragments of popular culture - bumper stickers saying "I don't see a dog in your car, you ingrate!" "Real men dig puppies" and "No dog? No mercy!" - gradually forming a bigger picture: This is a dog-friendly nation. "America: Love dogs or leave it!"

AUDIENCE: (grumbling)

ME: Ok, ok, maybe I'm not doing a very good job explaining this...I'm not saying, all Muslims need to leave. I'm saying, they need to either CHANGE, or leave. They need to redact or edit or update that wicked book of theirs. They need a "New" hadith. They need a friggin' Reformation, is what they need. They need to either become fully westernized and roundly denounce the ideology of orthodox Islam, or leave the West. But how are we to accomplish this? I can tell by your grumbling you are hesitant to embrace the idea. But tell me: Would you embrace...

...these??

AUDIENCE: Awwww! AWWWW! (applause, relieved laughter all around)

ME: Ha ha, yes these are the PUPPIES of the lap-top dog: puppies of the puppy, if you will. How cute are they?

AUDIENCE: (Ewwing, ahhing, laughter and tittering conversation)

ME: Can't we get the Muslims on board with this? C'MON!! What kind of society do we want to leave to our children? What kind of day do we want to wake up and greet? What do these puppies say to you? They say to me, "Meep! Meep! Meep!" - cause that's what they really say!! C'MON! Where's your heart? Where's your soul? Where's the LOVE, Islam? Who loves puppies?

AUDIENCE: (tittering conversation)

ME: I said, Who. Loves. PUPPIES?! Let me hear it - do you love puppies?

AUDIENCE: Yes, yes (scattered giggling, one voice: "Quite right!")

ME: DO YOU LOVE PUPPIES?

AUDIENCE: YES!

ME: Ok, then. I love puppies. You love puppies. We ALL love puppies. That's the end of today's presentation. You'll notice on the table near the door is a large box full of puppies; I encourage you each to take one home with you, and do as we will be doing: Visit one of your Muslim neighbors, and bring the puppy. Let's melt that ruthless, legalistic ideology and those hearts of stone. I know they can change, they are human after all, just like you and me. At very least, we can separate the wheat from the chaff.

Also, please feel free to pick up some bumper stickers on your way out.